Lilith’s first time – No fear and No Shame!

Iwas about twenty-one when I approached sex toys for the first time. At the time I had a really busy life with university, family and friends, so sex was the least thing I had to do. I was thinking about it all the time, but I was afraid to approach men for some time. I knew I was young and had my whole life in front of me, but I seemed to attract people who would hurt me in the end not by cheating, but by leaving me because they felt I was too much. Sex was never fulfilling because I couldn’t have a vaginal orgasm so most of the boys got tired at some point to always care about having to make me cum. In the same time, I wasn’t tolerant to accept not to get my part of the pleasure. So somehow, in my brain, sex got related to suffering and physical frustration. I decided not to have it for quite some time, almost two years.

As I stated before, I was thinking about it, though. I wasn’t imagining any man, I was just imagining me having a good time. Sometimes I would feel something inside me out of the blue and get wet instantly. Sometimes it was great because I could used that in my art, but sometimes it would frustrate me even more because I felt ashamed of having wet day dreams like a teenager.

Sometimes, I was thinking I just have to go out there and pick the first boy I met, but I knew he would have the same issue with him finish too early and not knowing what to do to me. I was afraid to explain what I wanted in bed, not to mention to show it. So I decided I had to do something to calm myself and be able to function without sex. Porn and masturbating in front of it wasn’t a solution. Every time I did, with my fingers, sometimes even with a cucumber, I felt so repulsed of myself afterwards. I used to feel so tired; I couldn’t do anything after finishing, just sleeping. And again, in my mind, sex meant suffering.

I realised I have to know and accept myself in order to know what I want and how to ask for it. Porn can be good, but it’s better to just watch your own body. So, I said to myself: I have to overcome my fears of shame and repulsion and just go for it in a proper way, which would help in the future.

I decided to visit a sex-shop. The very first time, in front of the door, I had the “normal” reaction of looking around to see if anyone known to me could see me go inside “such a place”. I realised this reaction is lame. I am not a minor anymore. So, I got inside and a new world just aroused in front of me. So many objects I wanted to try. Not just by myself, but with someone dear. I don’t really know the exact amount of time I stared at the dildos, not being able to decide on which one to buy. New fears were caressing me. What if become addicted? What if I won’t be able to have sex with someone because I will get the pleasure I need from toys? I realised I have the same fears which can be applied to watching porn. It’s not the same thing. I won’t be watching other people. I will learn about myself and teach my insides how to receive pleasure.

For my first time, I went for dildos, nothing vibrant, so that it would be closer to a penis. I decided on a decent size, which would fill me and in the same time not imply huge standards for the future partners. I paid and rushed home. I was so curious to see how different it can be from what I’ve tried before.

Incomparable. That was my conclusion. You can’t have that sensation with any circular object, which is not designed especial for a woman’s insides. I could feel every inch of my vagina until the top. In time, I found my G spot and the speed and rhythm I need to cum. I found out other points on the dildo’s trajectory, which can produce orgasms. I haven’t become addicted because the whole thing was so intense and rewarding that I was energised for three days afterwards. When the first partner came, I accepted him with curiosity and altruism, not panic. When he got into me, I felt much more than before because the one became more sensitive.

So, I guess, playing with toys without watching or imagining yourself with someone and just observe and enjoy your own body can be very rewarding. For yourself and for your future partners.

And remember! Have fun, love and share!

Lilith