Tentacle porn, what a topic to talk about on a Saturday morning!
And it’s a great topic to discuss if you are having an inspiring and sex positive conversation with the lovely Alix Fox!
We ended up talking about tentacle porn and the new consentacle porn, which introduces the theme of consent into this kind of porn, because Alix was telling me about some of the most bizarre, amazing and funny fantasies she heard about masturbation. Perfect topic to celebrate Masturbation Month!
So what’s the most common thought when we play solo?
From a recent survey done in UK by Tenga, the Japanese brand of sex toys that owns also Iroha, a line dedicated to women, Alix discovered that both men and women think about their current partner. “I wonder if there might be a bias on that answer…think if it has been asked when the current partner was there listening! But it’s absolutely sweet.”
Surprisingly the second most popular thing for women to think about is a completely invented fantasy figure, while for men, the second most popular thing is someone they know.
So it seems men are much more likely to draw their inspiration from what’s around them, while women are more creative. I’ve asked Alix if she sees a particular reason for that “I wonder whether that’s because women are more socially convinced to feel guilty about masturbating about someone they are not in a relationship with or it’s just easier to invent someone in your head rather than your colleague maybe”.
The topic of masturbation-shame is something I talk about a lot and, unfortunately, something we still have to deal with everyday. Two centuries of patriarchal society caused so many “side-effects” that are not easy to fix! A modern, well-done and compulsory sex education in schools can definitely help stopping the pleasure-shame for women (even when it comes to self-love if that becomes a topic of sex ed classes). Also the amazing and extremely helpful work Brook Sexual Health Charity and Alix are doing is a step in the right direction. But if we really want a change, we need all of those things together plus, we have to talk openly and honestly about sex way more.
“It’s far more acceptable to talk about what sex was like with your partner, particularly if you are in an heterosexual relationship. If we pick up the right context, it’s socially acceptable for a woman to say she had great sex on a date. On the contrary, it’s extremely rare to see a woman coming at her office and say “oh I had wonderful time touching myself last night!” she might be considered even a sexual deviant!
This is dangerous because it says that sex with ourselves is less important that sex with anyone else. We shouldn’t incentivise people in thinking that the only sex it’s worthy to talk about and it’s worthy to be good, is the one with another person.”
The way we talk about sex and sexuality really matters, it’s not enough just to talk about it.
Going back to masturbation fantasies, what about our ex? The stats Alix shared with me say 15% of women and 30% of men think about their ex during their menage a mois.
“Let’s not overthink too much about this. It doesn’t mean we want to have our ex back! Our mind just goes to experiences that were particularly formative or memorable or vivid when we stimulate ourselves.”
There is of course nothing wrong in thinking about a celebrity when masturbating but I’m happy when a myth about female sexuality is dispelled! Sorry Brad Pitt, but is seems it’s true just for the 11% of women.
I ended my lovely chat with Alix by sharing ideas on the importance of being curious and creative in sex, not only when it comes to our fantasies, but also when it’s about masturbation techniques.
“I really advice people in their personal life to make the effort to try something different in the way they masturbate; because when we find something that works and gets us to climax, we tend to stick to that (for many reasons, most of them are practical ones). But it might happen that if we get too used to a specific touch or technique we bring our body to be responsive to just that specific stimulation. Our body changes while we age or when we are menstruating and our taste changes too, so it’s important we keep discovering new things and forms of pleasure. Be creative makes us more receptive as sexual beings.”
I hope this conversation about fantasies and pleasure will inspire your next solo sections and your sex talks!